Hash Teabags, teenagers and great questions

Last week I posted an article about the questions we hate to be asked which generated some great comments on the site.

This led to me think about writing another post about questions but in the end I turned to one of our friends who we think of as a bit of a master at this.

Tony Dimech is MD of Appleton Associates, a hugely successful sales training consultancy. Tony has made the study of high quality questions something of an obsession and like all passionate people he has got very very good at it.

I asked Tony to think about what he could write about asking better questions and he told me this fantastic story. Read on hear what Tony has to say on the subject of asking better quality questions (especially at home!!)…..

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I once went on a course run by Anthony Robbins. It was an awesome experience. One thing he said really stuck with me:

“If you want to improve any element of your life, learn how to ask better questions”.

That changed me. I adopted an interest in a new anorak sport: Asking Questions. I’ve read more books about questions than I care to admit.  I put ‘Questions’ into Google and read what it throws up. I read a book six years ago that I believe Harry Enfield read before he created Kevin and Perry. Were you ever Kevin or Perry? I was.

My daughter was – until I read a book about questioning skills – and this story is about her. This is what happens in most households as children come home from school.

“Did you have a good day at school?”

Even if they did, would a teenager admit to it? What a poor question. So after delivering a teenage “uhuh” they start to go upstairs.Two steps up another question follows:

‘Have you got any homework?’

“Duh. Of course I’ve got homework – I’ve just been to school.”

They are now thinking -  Just let me get to my room and get away from all this. As if by magic the next gem is delivered

‘What do you want for tea?’

“Sausages………………”

‘Well I’ve cooked a nice stew to warm you up’

“ARGGHH  why do ask me what I want for tea when you’ve already cooked stew??????”  now thinking – how did I end up with the dullest parents in world.

99% of children (in a scientific study conducted in our street) get asked the same three appalling questions most days. I did to mine. And I felt very bad when I realised the error of my habitual ways. They have been asked the same 3 questions since they started school. (You can do the maths if you like but that’s a lot of times being asked the same questions)

No wonder by the time they get to 16 they don’t respond very well. They are sick of it and quite right too!.

So instead of asking the parenting equivalent of the retail world’s worst question:

“Can I help you?”

Or the training world’s worst question:

“Does anyone have any questions?”

I decided to start asking more meaningful questions. I began by giving some thought to what I was going to ask her when she came home from school. I started with the usual ‘Hiya’ and she grunted a similar response. Not being a stupid child she knew what was coming next. But then I asked:

“Anyone get caught taking drugs in school today?”

‘What?’

‘You told me somebody had.’

Dramatic sigh, eyes rolled to heavens, saintly patience with the poor old fool.

‘No I didn’t Dad. I said somebody rolled a joint at half past six outside school and the police drove past and caught them.’

Pause. I then said:

“Tell me, if you could have put a hash teabag in a teacher’s tea today which teacher would it have been?”

‘Dunno.’

“If you did know who would you say?”

‘My maths teacher.’

After a little more probing I made a remarkable discovery. She’d asked a question during a maths lesson that the teacher obviously thought was stupid and he had made her stand on a chair in front of 36 other children and say:

‘One day I will have a desire to learn.’

This had happened quite a while ago and neither my wife nor I had ever known it. By asking a better quality question, I learned something.

And better still… we were talking after school.

As I walked upstairs wallowing in satisfaction I chuckled as I heard her running to her mother and ask

“What’s up with Dad. He’s acting dead weird”

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Apart from making me (and I suspect many other parents) feel somewhat ashamed of ourselves, Tony’s story has resonations in the training room too. (which is, of course, why he told it to me…clever isn’t he).

It was only last week that Carly posted a comment on this very site and spoke of asking delegates “Has anyone got any questions?”. Most times we get little or no response because it’s not a very good question.

Other poor quality questions we ask?

• “Is that Ok for everyone?”
• “Do you all understand?”
• “Does anyone have anything to add?”

So our call to action this week:

• Consider the questions you ask delegates
• Do any fit into the “how was school today?” category?
• If they do, how could you rephrase the question to get a really enlightening reply?

Let us know how you get on. We would love to hear your thoughts.

Paul and Ally are working on an exciting 6-part (online) course to help your learners fully engage with your training - sign up for the 'early bird' list for advanced notification and more info

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